My Insensitivity and Apology

Over a year ago, I gave an unsolicited gift. It was a gift that was not terribly outputting to me, nor was it expensive. However, I failed to put myself in the shoes of another to recognize how that gift might impact them in their current state.

I believe that this damaged our relationship permanently, and for that I am sorry. I have previously apologized, but perhaps I did not take adequate responsibility. Then, this person addressed this issue on her blog a while ago, and when I read it, I felt ashamed. Again. And a little afraid to make contact.

I want to say, if you are reading, and know that I am addressing you, I’m sorry, again. I value you as a person, and as a teacher to me, and never intended any harm. It was thoughtless, and I hope I can be more sensitive in the future, if you give me the opportunity.

So, if you are reading, I am so very sorry that might have harmed our relationship, and it was never my intent.

Be well.

She’s BACK!

I haven’t said anything on my blog about this, and still won’t say much…

But a friend of mine who was away for a little while is back, and I’m so happy. Hopefully her time away was recuperative and constructive, and she can continue to inspire, as she always has.

I’m ecstatic for her return, as are many others.

So happy to have you back, Girl. You were missed. ❤

Let’s Just Be Kind…Please?

So, I’m as much a bitch as anyone. Really. But, I have a few things to say, directed at no one (online) in particular.

First, everyone just needs to relax. Seriously. Stop getting up each other’s asses for comments in which the context is unverified. Assume that people are not out to get you. Assume that they mean well. Assume that they mean to hurt no one. Assume that they are doing the best they can with what they have. One comment/remark/action/incident is not adequate evidence to condemn a person and write off their character entirely.

Just for today: Do something kind for someone who you would ordinarily feel is “undeserving” of your kindness.

Just for today: Respond to that which you find offensive or hurtful with loving kindness.

Just for today: Be that much more gentle.

Just for today: Laugh at something that is stressing the shit out of you.

Just for today: Do something nice for someone.

Just for today: Do something nice for yourself.

Just for today: Realize that your outlook is only one of many, and few (if any) things in life are black and white. No matter how right you think you are, you could actually be “wrong”. Or, at least, not entirely right.

Just for today: Let go of your hang-ups, and those things that cause your bum to pucker, and don’t worry about it. Really. Just…don’t. Your worrying isn’t changing anything but your cardiovascular health.

Just for today: Please remember that everyone is someone important to someone. No matter how vehemently you disagree with them, someone loves them dearly, and would feel a void and loss if they were gone.

Just for today: Remember that life is short and fleeting. Don’t hate people for their petty or misguided mistakes. At their funeral, you won’t remember any of those hang ups anyway. All you’ll remember is the good, and you’ll wonder why the hell you wasted so much energy on the rest of it, and why you wasted so much time.

Just for today: Hold those people close to you, and let go of the hang ups and resentments that create barriers between you. You can always put them back up tomorrow, but just for today, enjoy the love.

That is all.

And also, I’m not high.

For the love of pets…

Someone I know and care for has a pup who is a bit sick right now. She’s very frightened. Please keep her in your thoughts. It is truly awful when our pets are in pain.

Can I close the door for a little while?

Since my Dad died, I’ve had good days, and I’ve had bad days. I’ve had days where I feel like he’s around (don’t laugh…), or I feel some comfort…Like the fact that he wasn’t long suffering…or the fact that he didn’t spend his last days in a nursing home (which he always feared). I’ve also had days of feeling empty. Not just for my loss, but for how our lives will all change now.

I’m going to say some things now that I would NEVER say in real life. I say it here, dear reader(s), because I need to get it out and see if it is as ugly as it seems to be in the shadows of my mind.

I’m exhausted.

I have been my parents’ caregiver for a LOOOOONG time. It was one of those things where I just sort of…fell into it…and it came to be normal. My other siblings all have their issues; with my parents, with each other, or with life.

So, I, the youngest of 5, began to look after my aging parents (and some siblings off and on also).

The thing is, now that my Dad is gone, my Mother is understandably going through an awful transition, and a great deal of pain. I empathize with her. I hate that she is hurting, and I truly can’t imagine losing my partner of 48 years. I really can’t.

It’s just…hard. I’m tired. I’ve started to become reclusive in the last couple of weeks. I’m hardly talking to any of my friends, because I don’t like being overly emotional IRL (that’s what blogging is for) and I’m absolutely exhausted. The more I isolate myself, the worse it’s getting, but I’m too tired to fix it. By the end of the day, I have sometimes been on the phone with my mother for 2 hours or more…Listening to her, comforting her, and talking her down off proverbial ledges. Either my kids are awake, and I’m looking after them, or they’re sleeping, and I am talking to my Mom THE. WHOLE. TIME.

And, when I’m not on the phone, I’m packing up the kids, and driving 45 minutes to her house to be with her.

I don’t regret that. I don’t. I want to be there for her. But it means that I have nothing else left, which is a huge problem, because I have a hundred other relationships and obligations that are falling apart right now. 

I feel like a horrible daughter, mother, wife and friend. I just want a day of quiet, where I can indulge my instinct to disconnect from reality and pretend that nothing has changed.

28 Going On 30

So, in spite of Thursday being my birthday, things were pretty chill. Funnily enough, I forgot my age until I was reminded. I thought for weeks that I was turning 30. What the hell?! Thank goodness my husband was around to call me a moron and tell me to do the math, or I’d have just skipped right over a whole year of my life!

Last night, I had the pleasure of meeting an old friend for tea. What a fantastic birthday gift! I have honestly known this girl since I was about 7 years old, and we lost touch years ago. She has been living in the UK for the last several years working as a teacher, though it sounds like she’ll be returning to this side of the pond in the next 9 months or so. I’m ecstatic.

Some of my best memories from childhood took place at her house. Everything there was always so normal, so stable and so comforting. She lived on a large acreage outside of town, we had so much fun. She, her sister, and myself would spend HOURS just…being kids. It was wonderful. They had an above ground pool, musical instruments, and so much land to explore! It was amazing. It’s the kind of childhood I want to give to my kids. I often think of their home when I ask myself what I want my own children to remember.

They were never wealthy. In fact, they went through a lot of hardship due to circumstances (WAY) beyond their control…But they managed to keep their house. The house that I remembered as being so enormous was actually not the least bit enormous. Not small, just average. I guess I just remember it being full of people and happy times.

Walking through that house was one of the first times I’ve ever been able to recall a period of my childhood with such fondness and nostalgia.

What a WONDERFUL feeling. And a beautiful birthday gift indeed, to know my childhood wasn’t totally lost.