Home Sweet AnnaBelle











{October 9, 2010}   The Calm After the Storm

I’m feeling much more peaceful now, after the last post. Yikes. I’m sorry you had to read that, but either I posted it here, or I sent it to my sister, and I thought that this was probably the lesser of two evils. I swear, my head was going to pop right off my neck if I didn’t get it out. I’ll explain more another day. I’m not in the mood to be angry.

So, onto much happier topics…

Isn’t it pretty?

This is a piece of relatively “unspoiled” land, just outside the  town hamlet where we want to live. It is roughly 107 acres, and is listed at $449K.

No, we did not suddenly come into money. We don’t want all 107 acres. But, whomever purchases that land will likely subdivide it, and sell it off, 5 acres at a time, for rural homes. THAT is what we are looking for.

So, if this is the land that we are waiting on, so be it. If it takes 2 years, so be it. I can be patient. No, I can’t. That’s a lie. But, I must. I keep telling myself that if we work hard, save hard, and don’t settle, that things will work out.

I just REALLY want to be out there before the kids start school. I’ve driven by this land. It’s beautiful. Treed, and backs onto a wildlife reserve, which is amazing. We would keep most of it just like this–raw, except for the front 1-2 acres where the house/yard/garden/fruit trees/chicken coop would be.

I just keep thinking of my kids. I have NEVER loved another human being like I love them. I love them so much, that it physically hurts at times, and I mean that. I have never been so grateful for anything in my life. And I want them to have this. I want them to be able to play outside amidst trees and flowers. I want them to be able to eat fresh eggs (hopefully my son outgrows his allergy), and I want them to occasionally wake up to a deer in the yard. I want them to know where their food comes from, and know their neighbours. I grew up in a smaller community, and there are aspects of that community that simply cannot be replicated in the city. I guess it’s natural to want to give your kids the best of what you had, and spare them the worst.

I’ll keep you posted on how the land shapes up. It’s been on the market since February, and no takers yet. We’ll see.



{October 6, 2010}   To Whom it May Concern:

I’m a nice person. Get the fuck over it. When I express concern, worry, and caring, it is because I am concerned, worried, and I care. I always tell you what I’m thinking, but you’ll notice I don’t have to club you over the head with it.

I don’t hold shit against people. Well, sometimes I do, but honestly, no one is perfect, and I don’t have to have everything in common with someone to show kindness to them.

I don’t fight other people’s battles. If you are angry with someone I won’t stop speaking to them on your behalf. Sorry, but if everyone did that, no one would be talking. Ever. In life. Plus, I have enough of my own shit. I don’t fight with people for funsies. I can disagree. Even vehemently disagree with someone, and still treat them with respect and dignity. It’s the classy thing to do.  Sulking doesn’t get your point across. My 2 year old has THAT figured out.

Tantruming, sulking and bullying does nothing for your case. Truly. If you use those tactics, you will eventually find yourself with no one. Because no one will tolerate that shit forever. Not even our own mother. You can’t sell people on your point of view by being mean to them. Social Skills 101.

Stop with the “more persecuted than thou” bullshit. Everyone has their shit. Take a vitamin and truck on, you know? It’s not that I don’t think pain is valid. I do. But Jesus Christ, does EVERYTHING have to be about how much harder it is to be you than everyone else? Seriously? You are creating a self-fulfilling prophesy. You act like an asshole, and then no one wants to be your friend. Then you stomp your feet when people aren’t that nice to you. Well…how about not being an asshole, for a start? Give it a go…?

Lastly, just because I am your family member does NOT mean I owe you anything. (In fact, if we’re counting, I believe you owe me something to the tune of $15k…sound familiar, or did amnesia just kick in?). You don’t get to treat people badly and then have everyone indulge your bullshit.

We are ALL suffering. All in our own way. Pull yourself together, and quit being a douche.

Sincerely,

Your sister who lost the same father you did, Fuckhead.



{September 30, 2010}   3 Awesome Things

1) My kids are so cool. Today, I was ahead of the game on almost everything (LOVE when that happens!) and got to play with my kids ALL DAY. Well, anytime they were awake, that is. I guess another awesome thing is that they both napped at the same time today, which lately has been a total no-go.

2) My son’s beautiful curls are long again, and he needs a hair cut. But he’s so cute when he wakes up with bedhead that it kills me to cut it.

3) On the topic of hair, my previously bald baby is now a beautiful 12 month old girl who is rockin’ the toddler mullet. So awesome.



{September 27, 2010}   Dear Anxiety:

Go fuck yourself. Please. Just let me close my eyes at 1am without racing thoughts and shortness of breath.

Thanks.

P.S. – I know you think it’s funny when the baby wakes me up 10 minutes after I can FINALLY fall asleep. Well, laugh it up, Chuckles. It’s not funny. Nor will I be particularly funny at 6am. I’ll see you then, Asshat. With bells on.

Sincerely,

Very Sleepy & Anxious AnnaBelle



{September 25, 2010}   Wanting to Get Outta Dodge…

So, we’re still trying to move our asses out of this city, but we are facing some major hurtles.

First, when you are moving to a small place, there will logically be fewer places on the market there. Which means, it’s hard to find something within your specifications, no matter how broad, because there is just less to work from.

Second, we have no idea how the logistics of all this are going to work, or even IF they are going to work. See, we really can’t buy a house until ours is on the market, and ideally, sold. But then, we also can’t be homeless, and given what a tough time we are having finding something in our desired area, we don’t want to risk having nowhere to live at all.

Third, M doesn’t want to move ’til spring. Understandable. It IS going to be a longer commute, and while he realizes that he’s going to have to do a winter commute at SOME point, there is no reason it needs to be this winter, since our wheels are kind of spinning anyway. So, we are at a bit of a standstill.

We will keep looking, but my desire to get the fuck outta here is killing me. We got egged–AGAIN–the other night. They got both our vehicles (one of which we don’t even drive because we are trying to sell it…thanks fuckers), both our living room windows, our dining room windows and all the way along our fence.

Jesus.

I hate living where we live. We are vulnerable because we are right off a path, and that path leads to a dark field, on the other side of which sits 2 elementary schools and the community hall. I’m on my community league and we have so many little hooligans around here that we have had to replace COUNTLESS windows in the community hall, and even fix the roof, and replace a whirlybird (is  that what those things are called?) because they climb onto the roof at night.

Anyway, I am increasingly disillusioned by this place. Our little home… “close to schools and all amenities!” is losing it’s appeal, very quickly.

Maybe a really big, pissed off dog will do for now…



{September 24, 2010}   Let’s Just Be Kind…Please?

So, I’m as much a bitch as anyone. Really. But, I have a few things to say, directed at no one (online) in particular.

First, everyone just needs to relax. Seriously. Stop getting up each other’s asses for comments in which the context is unverified. Assume that people are not out to get you. Assume that they mean well. Assume that they mean to hurt no one. Assume that they are doing the best they can with what they have. One comment/remark/action/incident is not adequate evidence to condemn a person and write off their character entirely.

Just for today: Do something kind for someone who you would ordinarily feel is “undeserving” of your kindness.

Just for today: Respond to that which you find offensive or hurtful with loving kindness.

Just for today: Be that much more gentle.

Just for today: Laugh at something that is stressing the shit out of you.

Just for today: Do something nice for someone.

Just for today: Do something nice for yourself.

Just for today: Realize that your outlook is only one of many, and few (if any) things in life are black and white. No matter how right you think you are, you could actually be “wrong”. Or, at least, not entirely right.

Just for today: Let go of your hang-ups, and those things that cause your bum to pucker, and don’t worry about it. Really. Just…don’t. Your worrying isn’t changing anything but your cardiovascular health.

Just for today: Please remember that everyone is someone important to someone. No matter how vehemently you disagree with them, someone loves them dearly, and would feel a void and loss if they were gone.

Just for today: Remember that life is short and fleeting. Don’t hate people for their petty or misguided mistakes. At their funeral, you won’t remember any of those hang ups anyway. All you’ll remember is the good, and you’ll wonder why the hell you wasted so much energy on the rest of it, and why you wasted so much time.

Just for today: Hold those people close to you, and let go of the hang ups and resentments that create barriers between you. You can always put them back up tomorrow, but just for today, enjoy the love.

That is all.

And also, I’m not high.



{August 29, 2010}   It’s NOT Getting Any Easier

I am missing my Dad SO MUCH. Today was a Mommy & Boy day. We had fun, we went to visit “Gaga” (which is what he calls my mother…If she only knew the woman with whom she shares that monicker…HA HA!). Anyway, we took the route out to her home that goes through/past the teeny town (hamlet) where M and I are looking at properties.

When I was a kid, if we drove by cows, my Dad would always honk the horn and say, “Hello, Ladies!”. And now, barring a compelling reason to NOT honk the horn, I always do the same.

We drove by a field of cows today, and I looked back at A, making ‘mooooo’ sounds, and I honked the horn,  and called, “Hello, Girls!”. He giggled, and I chuckled, thinking about how my Dad would tell my son at some point about his youth spent cattle ranching, and some of the funny stories that came with it.

A will never hear those stories from my Dad.

You know, I am beginning to understand this loss, and sometimes, I even feel a sense of peace. But it’s things like this…The little things…that really hurt. He got to see all his other grandchildren grown, and he LOVED my kids. He told EVERYONE about them. He thought they were the cutest, funniest, smartest kids he’d ever known. There was something invigorating to him about having wee ones around again, after so many years…

I don’t know. I’m rambling. And I’m sorry. My point, though, is that the loss seems to become more and more profound as time goes, and as I tally up the moments that I will never have again, or that my children will never have at all.

It makes my heart ache, and I feel so fucking cheated. I’m not even 30 years old, for Christ’s sake, and he’s gone already. I feel like everyone else got so much more time.

But then I remember a buddy of mine who lost his Dad when he was 14,  and many I’ve known who never had fathers in their lives at all…and I think to myself how blessed I am to have had him as long as I did. I guess there’s that. He saw me grown. He walked me down the aisle. He met my kids. I also got to see him in his older years. Much more subdued, mellowed out, and finally not swimming upstream.

Right now, though, I just don’t give a shit. I want him back, to say all the things I wish I could have said if I’d have been at the hospital just a little sooner.

FUCK.



Further to this post:

https://sweetannabelle.wordpress.com/2010/08/24/this-just-in-city-mouse-rethinking-urban-life/

Today, my husband, the kids and I are off to drive by a property outside of town to take a gander, and see what is available in our price range. It is about a half hour out.

I think I’m ready to move out of town. After all, I just said ‘gander’.



{August 26, 2010}   Today I…

So, how did I do?

Here is this morning’s post: 

 https://sweetannabelle.wordpress.com/2010/08/26/today-i-will/

My follow up is below:

Took myself too seriously on at least one occasion.

Had a lot of fun with my kiddos.

Did NOT understand that others grieve differently, and snapped at a family member as a result. Whoops. Calling to apologize profusely is on my list for tomorrow.

Wrote a blog post…Actually, 2 blog posts! 🙂

I did my best to be grateful. I’m definitely grateful for my kids, but still feeling mad as hell about my Dad being gone. So, I’m going to award half points. Yay me.

I did talk to a person on the phone. But I snapped at them. D’oh. Half points again.

I loved people unconditionally today. Not all of them, but I’m still calling it a win, since I did not specify initially that it had to be ALL people. 😉

I definitely did NOT wash the kitchen floor, but I DID clean out my son’s closet. So, I’m calling this one a win, too. 😉



{August 26, 2010}   Today I will…

Not take myself too seriously.

Have as much fun as possible.

Understand that others grieve differently than I do.

Write a blog post (check, check).

Be grateful for what I have instead of wishing for what I don’t.

Call and talk to a real person. On the phone. Sans typing.

Love people unconditionally. Not even in spite of their foibles and fallability, but because of them.

Wash the kitchen floor. Maybe.



et cetera