Home Sweet AnnaBelle

In my quest for “serenity”…whatever the hell that is…I am constantly struck by how much effort I put into complicating my life. My discomfort with peace, and my addiction to chaos is so out of hand, that I find anxiety cropping up where it simply doesn’t belong…Indeed, the very act of being UN-anxious (it’s a word, don’t judge me) induces PARALYZING anxiety in me.

Now that I have children, I am learning how to identify what is my business, and what is not, because I simply do not have time to solve everyone else’s problems any longer.

This is a challenge, in that I am accustomed to often being the “go to girl”. I am the advice-giver, the problem-solver, and the caregiver… and due to these traits, am also often the scapegoat. In the last month or so, my challenge has been to back out of fights that aren’t mine, in every way possible. I will not involve myself in problems I cannot solve, in opinions I cannot change, or in situations that are far-reaching and out of my control.

I have gotten better at identifying what I can control, however. I can control my own behavior in the face of conflict. I HATE conflict, and am inclined to run away like a terrified animal when faced with it. I especially hate being the CAUSE of conflict. Highly triggering to me.  There were so many times growing up that I was told to own everyone’s hostility, anger, and anxiety simply because I was there. I was given too much power, really. To tell a 7 year old that they are causing the breakdown of your family life because they don’t want to go to bed is pretty hyperbolic and pretty damaging to said 7 year old. Then again, that is the nature of alcoholism. Hyperbole is a recurring theme. So, when I think conflict involves me somehow, I am crippled.

The only way I can deal with this at this stage in my recovery is to better identify what is mine, and what is not. I can’t change the whole world just now, but I can change my backyard. I can create more peace in the lives of my kids. I can create for them an addiction and abuse-free home. I can teach them healthy ways of handling conflict. And I can do what I can, where I can to serve humanity.

It’s far more manageable to try to change my own behavior, and to make positive changes in my family and community, as opposed to trying to right all worldly injustice. Trying to do what I simply cannot be expected to do is so very futile. So very disempowering. So very discouraging. And so very heart-killing.

I just have to keep it simple. And I need to let it begin with me.


et cetera